If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
