the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
