there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
