I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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