A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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