I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
