I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
