i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
