I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We are two peas in an std pod
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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