I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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