dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
