the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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