She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
