The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
