i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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