I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
