I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
