he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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