Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
