True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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