Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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