Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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