Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things