Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.