Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
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how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.