gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
this is an emotional support booty call
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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