he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.