I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
