Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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