We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
