Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
