pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
