Can Purell be used as lube?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
