Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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