Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
