dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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