Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
