I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
