sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
