when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
