The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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