i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
