i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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