I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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