In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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