I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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