I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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