Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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