no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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