apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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