i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
