People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
