hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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