Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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