he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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