I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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