i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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