As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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