god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
