it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So here I am, sexting at work.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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