I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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