So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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