Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
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I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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