Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
