He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
