My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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