If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Found your dick twin last night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
