Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
