the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
